Random Thoughts

Random, but I really want Bebo Norman's new CD that came out about a week ago. I've been listening to the 30 second samples on iTunes constantly... For some reason his music really strikes a chord in me. I guess because in a lot of his songs, I can see myself at some point or another.

Anyway--I have had one quiz and one midterm this week. The quiz went fine, but I'm hoping that the midterm went as well... I guess I'll find out later. Even as a senior in college, I haven't learned how to study well. I guess it's not a problem since I'll be done soon. I wonder if I'll ever come back to school to get a masters or anything. At this point I really don't want to go back to school. 16 years is plenty. I might feel differently once I get a full-time job... I guess we'll see.

It's weird to think that the rest of my life is not planned out. I've been used to it being all planned out or open within certain limits. But now, as far as I can see, it's pretty wide open. I mean, I can't do anything I want, but there's nothing that I have to do. It's weird. I think I've been avoiding thinking about it. I'll need to start looking for jobs, making a resume, and all that soon I suppose. The thing is, I don't know what I want to do. I know some things that I don't want to do... I don't want to glue corrugated cardboard together or work in retail. I don't think I'm outgoing and friendly enough to. I mean, if I make an effort I can be friendly to random strangers, but after living in London, I'm even less likely to do it.

In London, everybody leaves everybody else alone. And they like it that way. And I did too. I still find it weird when random strangers smile at me. My head still says " what in the world??? why are they smiling at me???" I have to remind myself that this is the south and that it is normal here.

I can't wait until the election season is over. My roommate likes to make comments about the candidate that I support and it makes me angry. I don't talk badly about the candidate she supports. It's like Chinese water torture....she just makes little comments all the time and it wears away at my ability to bear it with good humor. And I don't know to be able to rebut what she says. It would help if I cared enough, but I don't really like politics and politics always seems to make people fight so I avoid it. I guess I should just ask her not to make the comments, but I would rather just keep it all inside and not make trouble.

Maybe one day I'll trust people enough to not be afraid to be who I really am and to say what I think. Maybe I'll trust that they'll still love me even if they don't agree with me or when I make them mad.

Weary

This semester has been interesting...definitely different from any other semester. I guess it makes sense that any semester would be different from another, but I can't figure out what it is that's different. People keep on asking me how my semester is going and I never know how to answer them... Good? I guess... Stressful? No...not really... Tiring? I suppose, but I think people get tired of hearing me say "tired" in response to "how are you?" all the time. But today I have just been overcome by a sense of weariness. Not really apathetic or tired, just weary. Maybe I'm getting sick... Who knows.

I feel rather disconnected. People are trying to connect with me, but I can't seem to reach out. I'm just stuck turning inward again. Sometimes I think that I want to go back to when I was silent and introverted and turned inward, but now that I seem to be tending that way, I don't want to. I want to have friends. We were made to be in community. It kills you to be lonely (Nota Bene: different from being alone). So I need to learn to be introverted but also connected. I need to connect with my friends.

Anyway, my semester is going pretty well, I guess. I'm taking three English classes (one grammar class and two British Literature classes) and one Religion class and one Linguistics class. They're all interesting in their own ways. They haven't been too much work, but I have two tests coming up next week. Hopefully they will go well. I'm just weary this evening.