What's the difference?

For maybe the second or third time in my life, I was cut to the heart by how people are being persecuted. I wanted to weep over the words that I read. The only reason I didn't was because my roommate was in the room and I refuse to cry in front of people I don't know well and trust a whole lot. So I hid my face and refused to let myself cry--outwardly--while inwardly I was and am being torn apart.

How can God let these horrible things happen to his people? How can he stand by and see a man being forced to watch his wife raped and cut to pieces?? I don't understand it. And this man still wouldn't recant his belief in Christ--so they killed him too. How can God continue to let such evil reign? Won't he take some sort of stand against it?

Somehow my roommate brought up God last night and she mentioned at one point that she didn't believe there was such a thing as evil or the devil. Looking at what is happening in Darfur and in India, how can you doubt that there is evil in the world??

Reading about this has been a kind of a wake up call, but I don't want my wake up call to come at the expense of so many lives... And now I waver between going back to my lifestyle and becoming numb to what I've read and heard. It's hard because I can't just forget about it and abandon my brothers and sisters, even if they are so far away. But I can't grieve for them all the time. I need to find the balance where I will be spurred to action--what kind of action it will be, I don't know--but I won't be pulled down to despair by what is happening.

I know that there is good in this world. I have seen it and experienced God's love for me and yet at the same time there exists this horrible evil that persists. But God's word keeps spreading no matter how strong the evil seems to be.

I guess this another time that I question God's love. I feel like such a jerk and so arrogant questioning the Lord of the universe who made us, but I want to know. I'm angry at him for letting such evil live on in the world. I know that he loves me. I've seen it all around me and he has healed me of so much pain, but I don't understand it. I know firsthand how fallen fathers are, but how can this Father who claims to be our comforter and claims to love us so much just sit by and let his children suffer so? I don't want to think that he doesn't care.

I know that I can't understand how God works. He's too big for me to be able to comprehend. But I WANT to know why he's letting this happen and how he's let it happen for so long...

I keep running circles in my head...maybe at some point I'll make it out of this hampster wheel of thought.

I asked him to show me what my passion is...maybe this is him showing me. It's a pretty painful way of learning though...and how painful would it be to over there in among what's going on? Has he equipped me or is he going to equip me to go where people are being persecuted and offer hope and whatever resources I have? Is this where he wants me to follow his will? I certainly don't feel equipped at all. But how can I help right now over here in my little college world?

Yeah, I do a bunch of stuff regularly, but I don't really feel like I'm really doing anything or really making a difference. I guess I don't feel that way because what I do doesn't strain my finances or my resources in any way. I still think that what I do is important, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough for the Kingdom of God.

I guess I'll have to continue praying and asking for wisdom and insight to God's work in this world. I need to trust that no matter how powerful the evil in this world seems, God reigns over all of it and he will make everything right in the end.

Little Miracles

On Sunday we had a little sort of baby-shower/welcome party for the newest member of our neighborhood: Ayden who was 3 weeks old that day. It was fun to see the neighbors since I was home for the weekend. After a neighbor and my mom held Ayden, I got to hold him. I held him for the rest of the party. Just sitting in the rocking chair and holding him. He was so tiny and beautiful! He was asleep the whole time. His tiny fingers were amazing with their tiny fingernails. I loved holding him and just sitting there and rocking him. I think I could have stayed there all night...but they eventually had to go so I reluctantly gave him back to his dad.

I love babies and toddlers and kids, but I don't know how I would feel about raising my own. I don't think I'm anywhere near mature or wise enough to raise my own kids. If I bring kids into the world, I don't want to mess them up. I want to be at a place where I know I could provide for them and I could teach and love them well. I don't think I would do a very good job of that right now. I like not being responsible for anyone but me. I think that's one of the things I loved about London. I didn't have to watch out for or take responsibility for anyone but me. I think it'll be a long time before I'll feel anywhere near being responsible enough or wise enough to be able to raise relatively sane, well-rounded kids. But until then, I'll just enjoy being around kids and babies in the way of babysitting and maybe one day being an aunt.