Interviews

I had my first "interview" today. I walked down to my old elementary school in horribly uncomfortable high heels--that give me blisters every time I wear them--and met with one of the staff members--one who had come since I had left. But before that I had time to meet with almost all of the staff members who were there when I was. Then Mr. Larson showed me around all the new buildings that I hadn't seen and asked me what the school was like when I was there. I had a great time seeing everyone again and telling Mr. Larson what it used to be like. So, although I was pretty uncomfortable in my high heels and came back with a lovely dime-sized blister on my little toe, I really enjoyed it.

I'll have a "real" interview on Friday. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose. I will gain from it no matter what happens. If I don't get the job, I'll still have the experience of the interview to learn from, and if I do get hired, well, then I've learned AND gotten a job out of it! Either way, I'm going to benefit from it. I just have to remember that...

Life

Suddenly I don't want to have graduated. Life was a lot easier in college. I didn't have to worry about where money was coming from and I didn't have to worry about insurance--of any kind. I didn't have to worry about where all the money to pay for clothes, food, rent, insurance, doctor's bills, etc. was going to come from. I never have wanted to grow up.

All of my life I wanted to stay the age that I was... I remember when I was younger I would read books and all the kids in them wanted to be older than they were and I never understood why. I still don't...

I guess it isn't "suddenly"...coming up to graduation, I half wanted to graduate and half didn't. I am glad to be done with tests and papers, but now I have to compete with tons of other applicants for every job I apply for. I have to make an effort to make people like me.

When I'm at home, I get so apathetic and get back into some rut that I get stuck in every time I'm at home. But at the same time, I won't accept help from any of my family. I'll only accept help from one or two people--and every time my mom tries to help in some way, I won't accept it. I don't know why. She's not overbearing or pushy or anything, but I, for some reason, won't take any help from her.

Maybe I'm just too prideful. I've always had a problem with pride--don't ask me how that fits with my low-self esteem.... But maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can do it all on my own without anyone's help. But I can't...I know I can't. So why do I try?

On a separate note, perhaps the reason I get stuck in a rut is because I go back to my old way of thinking. Jesus said, "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:25). I think I saw two people full of life who died young in freak accidents and drew the wrong conclusion. I decided that if I disengaged from life, then maybe I would be able to keep it for longer.

But later, I have come to the conclusion that diseengaging from life is not what Jesus wants for me. He also said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I've known that verse for a long time, but I hadn't internalized it. God gave us life for a reason! He didn't just give it to us so we could withdraw from it. We have a purpose here!

So I need to fulfill my purpose and I should enjoy this life that God has given me. I should enjoy all the things that God has blessed me with and I should use them to bless other people. I guess that's the outlook I should go into interviews with...not that I have any coming up (yet).

So, I'm graduating tomorrow...

That's pretty crazy and I don't feel at all ready for it. I don't have a job or a car...just a year-long lease on a townhouse with four other girls. Now I wonder why I didn't go through college thinking about what I was going to do when I graduated. I never took any internships and I never worked at a non-profit or anything that would prepare me for "real" life. I just went to class, did my work, hung out with friends, and worked as a camp counselor. But I was just doing what I loved, for the most part.

I guess this is where the "trusting God while you work" part comes in... Mainly I think it's the "trusting God" part where I falter. I can do work...and sometimes I can trust God. But a lot of times, I feel like I don't really trust God. Which is frustrating because he has proved his love and his faithfulness to me over and over. And yet I still hesitate when it comes to trusting that he will take care of me.

I guess it's just part of being human. I take comfort in the fact that God created me and so he knows my failings. As an artist I can appreciate that. When I look at my art, I can see all the problems with it, even if others can't. Sometimes it is all I can see. But thankfully, God made us just the way he wants us so he can see what there is to love. He can see us the way he meant us to be, not necessarily the way that sin has wrecked us. He can see us through the lens of Jesus.

I guess I just have to remember that he loves me--not like an earthly father, but like a perfect father--and that he will use me as a witness for his kingdom. I should be more concerned about finding a place where I can be a good witness, but then, if it comes down to it, that is everywhere. But God knows where I will be challenged and have to grow. He will put me where he wants me. I just have to find that place. And I have to trust in his love for me and for all of his creation. I am here to glorify him and to be a witness to those around me. Lord willing, he will give me the strength to do just that.

So, I guess graduation just ushers me into a new place to be a witness. Hopefully a better one than I have been in college...hopefully I will get continually better at being a witness for his kingdom. I have purpose, I just have to find a place to live it out now.