Life

Suddenly I don't want to have graduated. Life was a lot easier in college. I didn't have to worry about where money was coming from and I didn't have to worry about insurance--of any kind. I didn't have to worry about where all the money to pay for clothes, food, rent, insurance, doctor's bills, etc. was going to come from. I never have wanted to grow up.

All of my life I wanted to stay the age that I was... I remember when I was younger I would read books and all the kids in them wanted to be older than they were and I never understood why. I still don't...

I guess it isn't "suddenly"...coming up to graduation, I half wanted to graduate and half didn't. I am glad to be done with tests and papers, but now I have to compete with tons of other applicants for every job I apply for. I have to make an effort to make people like me.

When I'm at home, I get so apathetic and get back into some rut that I get stuck in every time I'm at home. But at the same time, I won't accept help from any of my family. I'll only accept help from one or two people--and every time my mom tries to help in some way, I won't accept it. I don't know why. She's not overbearing or pushy or anything, but I, for some reason, won't take any help from her.

Maybe I'm just too prideful. I've always had a problem with pride--don't ask me how that fits with my low-self esteem.... But maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can do it all on my own without anyone's help. But I can't...I know I can't. So why do I try?

On a separate note, perhaps the reason I get stuck in a rut is because I go back to my old way of thinking. Jesus said, "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:25). I think I saw two people full of life who died young in freak accidents and drew the wrong conclusion. I decided that if I disengaged from life, then maybe I would be able to keep it for longer.

But later, I have come to the conclusion that diseengaging from life is not what Jesus wants for me. He also said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I've known that verse for a long time, but I hadn't internalized it. God gave us life for a reason! He didn't just give it to us so we could withdraw from it. We have a purpose here!

So I need to fulfill my purpose and I should enjoy this life that God has given me. I should enjoy all the things that God has blessed me with and I should use them to bless other people. I guess that's the outlook I should go into interviews with...not that I have any coming up (yet).