What's the difference?

For maybe the second or third time in my life, I was cut to the heart by how people are being persecuted. I wanted to weep over the words that I read. The only reason I didn't was because my roommate was in the room and I refuse to cry in front of people I don't know well and trust a whole lot. So I hid my face and refused to let myself cry--outwardly--while inwardly I was and am being torn apart.

How can God let these horrible things happen to his people? How can he stand by and see a man being forced to watch his wife raped and cut to pieces?? I don't understand it. And this man still wouldn't recant his belief in Christ--so they killed him too. How can God continue to let such evil reign? Won't he take some sort of stand against it?

Somehow my roommate brought up God last night and she mentioned at one point that she didn't believe there was such a thing as evil or the devil. Looking at what is happening in Darfur and in India, how can you doubt that there is evil in the world??

Reading about this has been a kind of a wake up call, but I don't want my wake up call to come at the expense of so many lives... And now I waver between going back to my lifestyle and becoming numb to what I've read and heard. It's hard because I can't just forget about it and abandon my brothers and sisters, even if they are so far away. But I can't grieve for them all the time. I need to find the balance where I will be spurred to action--what kind of action it will be, I don't know--but I won't be pulled down to despair by what is happening.

I know that there is good in this world. I have seen it and experienced God's love for me and yet at the same time there exists this horrible evil that persists. But God's word keeps spreading no matter how strong the evil seems to be.

I guess this another time that I question God's love. I feel like such a jerk and so arrogant questioning the Lord of the universe who made us, but I want to know. I'm angry at him for letting such evil live on in the world. I know that he loves me. I've seen it all around me and he has healed me of so much pain, but I don't understand it. I know firsthand how fallen fathers are, but how can this Father who claims to be our comforter and claims to love us so much just sit by and let his children suffer so? I don't want to think that he doesn't care.

I know that I can't understand how God works. He's too big for me to be able to comprehend. But I WANT to know why he's letting this happen and how he's let it happen for so long...

I keep running circles in my head...maybe at some point I'll make it out of this hampster wheel of thought.

I asked him to show me what my passion is...maybe this is him showing me. It's a pretty painful way of learning though...and how painful would it be to over there in among what's going on? Has he equipped me or is he going to equip me to go where people are being persecuted and offer hope and whatever resources I have? Is this where he wants me to follow his will? I certainly don't feel equipped at all. But how can I help right now over here in my little college world?

Yeah, I do a bunch of stuff regularly, but I don't really feel like I'm really doing anything or really making a difference. I guess I don't feel that way because what I do doesn't strain my finances or my resources in any way. I still think that what I do is important, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough for the Kingdom of God.

I guess I'll have to continue praying and asking for wisdom and insight to God's work in this world. I need to trust that no matter how powerful the evil in this world seems, God reigns over all of it and he will make everything right in the end.

Little Miracles

On Sunday we had a little sort of baby-shower/welcome party for the newest member of our neighborhood: Ayden who was 3 weeks old that day. It was fun to see the neighbors since I was home for the weekend. After a neighbor and my mom held Ayden, I got to hold him. I held him for the rest of the party. Just sitting in the rocking chair and holding him. He was so tiny and beautiful! He was asleep the whole time. His tiny fingers were amazing with their tiny fingernails. I loved holding him and just sitting there and rocking him. I think I could have stayed there all night...but they eventually had to go so I reluctantly gave him back to his dad.

I love babies and toddlers and kids, but I don't know how I would feel about raising my own. I don't think I'm anywhere near mature or wise enough to raise my own kids. If I bring kids into the world, I don't want to mess them up. I want to be at a place where I know I could provide for them and I could teach and love them well. I don't think I would do a very good job of that right now. I like not being responsible for anyone but me. I think that's one of the things I loved about London. I didn't have to watch out for or take responsibility for anyone but me. I think it'll be a long time before I'll feel anywhere near being responsible enough or wise enough to be able to raise relatively sane, well-rounded kids. But until then, I'll just enjoy being around kids and babies in the way of babysitting and maybe one day being an aunt.

Plans

Everyone seems to have a plan for my life. Except for me. Everyone seems to have decided that I would be a great teacher. I might be...but today while I was listening to someone tell me about how someone else said that I should be a teacher, something in my heart said "don't let other people tell you what you should be". It's happened before. I've done stuff because other people expected me to or because they thought I would be great at it. And sometimes it was great and sometimes it wasn't. But I need to stop relying on others to plan my future for me especially because they aren't really trying to plan my future. They're just casting out ideas that occur to them. They have no idea of telling me what I should do. It's just their ideas. But I've been so used to just following people's expectations that it's a struggle to not. I know that whatever I do, I won't disappoint the people who care about me most. I know what a blessing that is and I love it.

I feel like most of the other seniors around me have their plans for after college figured out. I'm still just floating along, kind of avoiding thinking about it. But I need to sit down and figure out what I want to do...what I want to do, not what other people think I would be good at. Do I want to go to grad school? If so, what for? Do I want to teach? Do I want to teach because I want to teach or is it because of what others think? Do I want to join the Peace Corps and go to Africa? Do I want to join the CIA? Do I want to go teach English somewhere in Asia? Do I want to go teach in inner city London? I just don't know... I need a couple of free hours (or days...) to sit and think and all that... But with this crazy semester, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with a quarter of an hour here and there.

On a completely different note, me, my mom, and one of my brothers went to the fair today. The first thing we went to see (like always) was the horses. That is always one of my requirements in going to the fair. We go watch whatever show is going on in the ring (today it was 6-8 year old kids and then under 5 kids) and then go out back and explore the stables for a while. We saw a lot of American Saddlebreds and a couple of Hackneys, but the treat was coming upon a one year old Arabian filly! She was really pretty and very restless. It was great to get to see the little kids riding around the arena and it was fun to get to see so many pure bred horses and just get to see horses in general.

I'm tired and I have to study for my two tests this week otherwise I would tell you about the fair. Maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow or after Tuesday when I'll be done with my tests (but I'll be getting started writing the 3 papers and studying for the test that are all the week after). Ugh... pray for me...that I'll make it and that I won't get sick...I don't have time to be sick this semester...

Random Thoughts

Random, but I really want Bebo Norman's new CD that came out about a week ago. I've been listening to the 30 second samples on iTunes constantly... For some reason his music really strikes a chord in me. I guess because in a lot of his songs, I can see myself at some point or another.

Anyway--I have had one quiz and one midterm this week. The quiz went fine, but I'm hoping that the midterm went as well... I guess I'll find out later. Even as a senior in college, I haven't learned how to study well. I guess it's not a problem since I'll be done soon. I wonder if I'll ever come back to school to get a masters or anything. At this point I really don't want to go back to school. 16 years is plenty. I might feel differently once I get a full-time job... I guess we'll see.

It's weird to think that the rest of my life is not planned out. I've been used to it being all planned out or open within certain limits. But now, as far as I can see, it's pretty wide open. I mean, I can't do anything I want, but there's nothing that I have to do. It's weird. I think I've been avoiding thinking about it. I'll need to start looking for jobs, making a resume, and all that soon I suppose. The thing is, I don't know what I want to do. I know some things that I don't want to do... I don't want to glue corrugated cardboard together or work in retail. I don't think I'm outgoing and friendly enough to. I mean, if I make an effort I can be friendly to random strangers, but after living in London, I'm even less likely to do it.

In London, everybody leaves everybody else alone. And they like it that way. And I did too. I still find it weird when random strangers smile at me. My head still says " what in the world??? why are they smiling at me???" I have to remind myself that this is the south and that it is normal here.

I can't wait until the election season is over. My roommate likes to make comments about the candidate that I support and it makes me angry. I don't talk badly about the candidate she supports. It's like Chinese water torture....she just makes little comments all the time and it wears away at my ability to bear it with good humor. And I don't know to be able to rebut what she says. It would help if I cared enough, but I don't really like politics and politics always seems to make people fight so I avoid it. I guess I should just ask her not to make the comments, but I would rather just keep it all inside and not make trouble.

Maybe one day I'll trust people enough to not be afraid to be who I really am and to say what I think. Maybe I'll trust that they'll still love me even if they don't agree with me or when I make them mad.

Weary

This semester has been interesting...definitely different from any other semester. I guess it makes sense that any semester would be different from another, but I can't figure out what it is that's different. People keep on asking me how my semester is going and I never know how to answer them... Good? I guess... Stressful? No...not really... Tiring? I suppose, but I think people get tired of hearing me say "tired" in response to "how are you?" all the time. But today I have just been overcome by a sense of weariness. Not really apathetic or tired, just weary. Maybe I'm getting sick... Who knows.

I feel rather disconnected. People are trying to connect with me, but I can't seem to reach out. I'm just stuck turning inward again. Sometimes I think that I want to go back to when I was silent and introverted and turned inward, but now that I seem to be tending that way, I don't want to. I want to have friends. We were made to be in community. It kills you to be lonely (Nota Bene: different from being alone). So I need to learn to be introverted but also connected. I need to connect with my friends.

Anyway, my semester is going pretty well, I guess. I'm taking three English classes (one grammar class and two British Literature classes) and one Religion class and one Linguistics class. They're all interesting in their own ways. They haven't been too much work, but I have two tests coming up next week. Hopefully they will go well. I'm just weary this evening.

Welcome

This is just going to be a little blog of what is going on in my life. Nothing extremely interesting, but you're welcome to follow along. :-)