Ribs

Well, I've had broken ribs for about 3 weeks now so you would think they would be getting better, but yesterday my mom had to rush me to an urgent care center. I sneezed and suddenly I could not breathe without terrible pain and the feeling that something--a rib or possibly scar tissue--was moving around that should not be moving.

The doctor had x-rays taken and confirmed that I had broken rib. He prescribed several different pain killers for me. Now, within a couple of days of moving, I am not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs. (not that I'm going to--even lifting a gallon of milk hurts!).

So now I'm just doing stuff in a daze...the pain killers make me groggy, but hopefully I'll be able to stop taking them soon.

I'm getting a little worried. I am moving into my apartment soon but I still only have one part time job that doesn't even start for another two weeks after I move in. I really do not want to dig into my savings, but I can't live on nothing... The people at my job say they will be able to keep me gainfully employed. It looks like I'll be testing that assertion a lot sooner than I wanted to. But God's the one in charge--I just have to remember that as I start this new phase of my life.

Update

I figured it was time to update anyone who reads this on what's going on in my life. I have now been walking around with broken ribs for over a week and a half now. My ribs were broken after one of my camp directors convinced me to come and work for one week at camp. I was working with the horses and got kicked pretty hard halfway through the week. I'm doing ok as long as I keep taking ibuprofen regularly.

I also have a part time job coming this fall. I'll be working in my camp's afterschool program. The leadership team is also convinced that they can fill up another twenty hours with other stuff around camp. But I am still looking for one or two more part time jobs just to be safe.

On a different note, I hate car-searching so much... It has been ridiculous... I just hope me and my mother are able to find and buy a good car in the next 2 weeks...

It has been fun to be at home with my mom and two of my brothers. I also took an impromptu trip to Washington DC with my sister-in-law because she had to drop off some paper work that had to be there by the next day and the only option that would mail it there on time was going to cost more than the penalty ($400). So she and I got to hang out and got to know each other better. We're both quieter and around four boys, it gets kind of loud so we don't say a lot. But it was a fun trip! :-) I'll be moving into the apartment in a couple days which should be another adventure (hopefully I will have a car by then...). Anyway, that's all for now!

Interviews

I had my first "interview" today. I walked down to my old elementary school in horribly uncomfortable high heels--that give me blisters every time I wear them--and met with one of the staff members--one who had come since I had left. But before that I had time to meet with almost all of the staff members who were there when I was. Then Mr. Larson showed me around all the new buildings that I hadn't seen and asked me what the school was like when I was there. I had a great time seeing everyone again and telling Mr. Larson what it used to be like. So, although I was pretty uncomfortable in my high heels and came back with a lovely dime-sized blister on my little toe, I really enjoyed it.

I'll have a "real" interview on Friday. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose. I will gain from it no matter what happens. If I don't get the job, I'll still have the experience of the interview to learn from, and if I do get hired, well, then I've learned AND gotten a job out of it! Either way, I'm going to benefit from it. I just have to remember that...

Life

Suddenly I don't want to have graduated. Life was a lot easier in college. I didn't have to worry about where money was coming from and I didn't have to worry about insurance--of any kind. I didn't have to worry about where all the money to pay for clothes, food, rent, insurance, doctor's bills, etc. was going to come from. I never have wanted to grow up.

All of my life I wanted to stay the age that I was... I remember when I was younger I would read books and all the kids in them wanted to be older than they were and I never understood why. I still don't...

I guess it isn't "suddenly"...coming up to graduation, I half wanted to graduate and half didn't. I am glad to be done with tests and papers, but now I have to compete with tons of other applicants for every job I apply for. I have to make an effort to make people like me.

When I'm at home, I get so apathetic and get back into some rut that I get stuck in every time I'm at home. But at the same time, I won't accept help from any of my family. I'll only accept help from one or two people--and every time my mom tries to help in some way, I won't accept it. I don't know why. She's not overbearing or pushy or anything, but I, for some reason, won't take any help from her.

Maybe I'm just too prideful. I've always had a problem with pride--don't ask me how that fits with my low-self esteem.... But maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can do it all on my own without anyone's help. But I can't...I know I can't. So why do I try?

On a separate note, perhaps the reason I get stuck in a rut is because I go back to my old way of thinking. Jesus said, "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:25). I think I saw two people full of life who died young in freak accidents and drew the wrong conclusion. I decided that if I disengaged from life, then maybe I would be able to keep it for longer.

But later, I have come to the conclusion that diseengaging from life is not what Jesus wants for me. He also said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I've known that verse for a long time, but I hadn't internalized it. God gave us life for a reason! He didn't just give it to us so we could withdraw from it. We have a purpose here!

So I need to fulfill my purpose and I should enjoy this life that God has given me. I should enjoy all the things that God has blessed me with and I should use them to bless other people. I guess that's the outlook I should go into interviews with...not that I have any coming up (yet).

So, I'm graduating tomorrow...

That's pretty crazy and I don't feel at all ready for it. I don't have a job or a car...just a year-long lease on a townhouse with four other girls. Now I wonder why I didn't go through college thinking about what I was going to do when I graduated. I never took any internships and I never worked at a non-profit or anything that would prepare me for "real" life. I just went to class, did my work, hung out with friends, and worked as a camp counselor. But I was just doing what I loved, for the most part.

I guess this is where the "trusting God while you work" part comes in... Mainly I think it's the "trusting God" part where I falter. I can do work...and sometimes I can trust God. But a lot of times, I feel like I don't really trust God. Which is frustrating because he has proved his love and his faithfulness to me over and over. And yet I still hesitate when it comes to trusting that he will take care of me.

I guess it's just part of being human. I take comfort in the fact that God created me and so he knows my failings. As an artist I can appreciate that. When I look at my art, I can see all the problems with it, even if others can't. Sometimes it is all I can see. But thankfully, God made us just the way he wants us so he can see what there is to love. He can see us the way he meant us to be, not necessarily the way that sin has wrecked us. He can see us through the lens of Jesus.

I guess I just have to remember that he loves me--not like an earthly father, but like a perfect father--and that he will use me as a witness for his kingdom. I should be more concerned about finding a place where I can be a good witness, but then, if it comes down to it, that is everywhere. But God knows where I will be challenged and have to grow. He will put me where he wants me. I just have to find that place. And I have to trust in his love for me and for all of his creation. I am here to glorify him and to be a witness to those around me. Lord willing, he will give me the strength to do just that.

So, I guess graduation just ushers me into a new place to be a witness. Hopefully a better one than I have been in college...hopefully I will get continually better at being a witness for his kingdom. I have purpose, I just have to find a place to live it out now.

What's the difference?

For maybe the second or third time in my life, I was cut to the heart by how people are being persecuted. I wanted to weep over the words that I read. The only reason I didn't was because my roommate was in the room and I refuse to cry in front of people I don't know well and trust a whole lot. So I hid my face and refused to let myself cry--outwardly--while inwardly I was and am being torn apart.

How can God let these horrible things happen to his people? How can he stand by and see a man being forced to watch his wife raped and cut to pieces?? I don't understand it. And this man still wouldn't recant his belief in Christ--so they killed him too. How can God continue to let such evil reign? Won't he take some sort of stand against it?

Somehow my roommate brought up God last night and she mentioned at one point that she didn't believe there was such a thing as evil or the devil. Looking at what is happening in Darfur and in India, how can you doubt that there is evil in the world??

Reading about this has been a kind of a wake up call, but I don't want my wake up call to come at the expense of so many lives... And now I waver between going back to my lifestyle and becoming numb to what I've read and heard. It's hard because I can't just forget about it and abandon my brothers and sisters, even if they are so far away. But I can't grieve for them all the time. I need to find the balance where I will be spurred to action--what kind of action it will be, I don't know--but I won't be pulled down to despair by what is happening.

I know that there is good in this world. I have seen it and experienced God's love for me and yet at the same time there exists this horrible evil that persists. But God's word keeps spreading no matter how strong the evil seems to be.

I guess this another time that I question God's love. I feel like such a jerk and so arrogant questioning the Lord of the universe who made us, but I want to know. I'm angry at him for letting such evil live on in the world. I know that he loves me. I've seen it all around me and he has healed me of so much pain, but I don't understand it. I know firsthand how fallen fathers are, but how can this Father who claims to be our comforter and claims to love us so much just sit by and let his children suffer so? I don't want to think that he doesn't care.

I know that I can't understand how God works. He's too big for me to be able to comprehend. But I WANT to know why he's letting this happen and how he's let it happen for so long...

I keep running circles in my head...maybe at some point I'll make it out of this hampster wheel of thought.

I asked him to show me what my passion is...maybe this is him showing me. It's a pretty painful way of learning though...and how painful would it be to over there in among what's going on? Has he equipped me or is he going to equip me to go where people are being persecuted and offer hope and whatever resources I have? Is this where he wants me to follow his will? I certainly don't feel equipped at all. But how can I help right now over here in my little college world?

Yeah, I do a bunch of stuff regularly, but I don't really feel like I'm really doing anything or really making a difference. I guess I don't feel that way because what I do doesn't strain my finances or my resources in any way. I still think that what I do is important, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough for the Kingdom of God.

I guess I'll have to continue praying and asking for wisdom and insight to God's work in this world. I need to trust that no matter how powerful the evil in this world seems, God reigns over all of it and he will make everything right in the end.

Little Miracles

On Sunday we had a little sort of baby-shower/welcome party for the newest member of our neighborhood: Ayden who was 3 weeks old that day. It was fun to see the neighbors since I was home for the weekend. After a neighbor and my mom held Ayden, I got to hold him. I held him for the rest of the party. Just sitting in the rocking chair and holding him. He was so tiny and beautiful! He was asleep the whole time. His tiny fingers were amazing with their tiny fingernails. I loved holding him and just sitting there and rocking him. I think I could have stayed there all night...but they eventually had to go so I reluctantly gave him back to his dad.

I love babies and toddlers and kids, but I don't know how I would feel about raising my own. I don't think I'm anywhere near mature or wise enough to raise my own kids. If I bring kids into the world, I don't want to mess them up. I want to be at a place where I know I could provide for them and I could teach and love them well. I don't think I would do a very good job of that right now. I like not being responsible for anyone but me. I think that's one of the things I loved about London. I didn't have to watch out for or take responsibility for anyone but me. I think it'll be a long time before I'll feel anywhere near being responsible enough or wise enough to be able to raise relatively sane, well-rounded kids. But until then, I'll just enjoy being around kids and babies in the way of babysitting and maybe one day being an aunt.