Hope For Every Fallen Man

As you push it up through the soil,
I will shake your filthy hand.
You may be dead to me,
But that don't mean we can't be friends.
Now it's time to get over this,
Long as it's clear you understand,
That I will never trust a single thing you say again.

Because a judge of you is someone I could never be
Is why you should thank the Lord that it is him and it's not me.

Don't give up, it's not the end
There's hope for every fallen man
To pick themselves up when they think they can't
Because with every passing second comes a second chance.

You stole so much from me
And there is nothing left to take
Save a hard learned lesson
On how to not make the same mistake.
And you may be delirious
But that is something that will fade
After you confess that this mess
Is all something that you made.
----

Take a good look at yourself and know
You've got yourself a ways to go
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually
As long as your heart's not too far gone
From the only Thing that can save you from yourself.

~Lyrics from Relient K's Hope For Every Fallen Man

This song describes some of the feelings I have towards a person who used to be close to me.  My inability to trust that person as well as my hope that they will one day find peace in God in spite of my terrible example of a Christian.  I know that I am not the only Christian this person will encounter so I am hopeful that they will be able to see a better example and reflection.

Bonhoeffer

I have been reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community before I go to sleep each night.  It has been very interesting.  I don't really live with anyone so I can't practice the things that he puts forth with other people, but so far they are all practices that I can do by myself.

When he was talking about prayer in the morning, he said this:
"For Christians the beginning of the day should not be burdened and oppressed with besetting concerns for the day's work.  At the threshold of the new day stands the Lord who made it.  All the darkness and distraction of the dreams of night retreat before the clear light of Jesus Christ and his wakening Word.  All unrest, all impurity, all care and anxiety flee before him.  Therefore, at the beginning of the day let all distraction and empty talk be silenced and let the first thought and the first word belong to him to whom our whole life belongs.  'Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light' (Eph. 5:14)."

It stuck out to me for several reasons.  Partly because I try to devote my mornings to reading Scripture and praying about my day, but also because I have always been scared of darkness and so the imagery of darkness and light caught my attention.  And really, the truth of this paragraph just resonated with my experience.

When I set God before me in the morning, I am more stable, more balanced and much less swayed by the day's events.  I feel more in tune with and more aware of Christ working in my life.  I also feel that I am able to be a better light for Jesus and I am able to let God work through me to affect the other people around me.  And yet, I still have a hard time some days both reading Scripture and talking to God and also with being aware of God and letting him work through me.

I am a very broken and messed up individual and it is only in Christ that I am what God calls me to be.  I have to live in that knowledge and remain humble.

That's my little thought for today.

Lesson Learned Today

Not very profound, but here it is: Ricola wrappers do not stand up to a run through the washer and dryer.  After a week of being sick with very little sleep, that is about as profound as I can be.  And, if you know me, you know that I worked the entire week or as much as possible--I had to take part of Monday off to go see the doctor.  But I think I'm finally on the upswing.

Bugs

There are some bugs that I like and then other bugs that I do not like at all.  However, I do not like any bug that is in my house.  I had to deal with that most of the day today.  Bugs had infested some bird seed that I had in one of my closets.  The results were not pretty.  Ergo, I spent the day differently than I had planned--cleaning and washing and vacuuming (and vacuuming again).

When we find things like that we work frantically to rid ourselves of them.  But shouldn't we be doing that in our spiritual lives as well?  When I see sin, I should work just as frantically to root it out of my life.  I should do everything I can to rid myself of it.  I should also recognize that I cannot get rid of sin in my life by myself. It takes accountability and it takes the blood of Jesus.

There are so many sins that we see in our lives but aren't really convicted by them.  I may see pride in my life, but it's easier to live with it and simply ignore it.  Until it hurts someone or hurts me, it's easier, more convenient, to simply live with it.  I could see the sin in my life, but I wasn't convicted of it until I was robbed of my idol and spiritually hit the bottom.  Then I saw clearly the pride that I formerly had and repented of it.

I hold a different attitude now and am vigilant towards the return of that old pride.  But I need to remember to vigilant in rooting out any sin that I see in my life.  I should not ignore it any more than I could ignore the bugs in my closet after I had seen them.

God uses all ways to speak to us.  Today it was bugs...I wonder what it will be tomorrow.  :-)

New--After 3 years of silence

Today leaving school, I was thinking about how I would enjoy being friends with someone blind or someone deaf. I know that may be offensive to some people because it sounds like I would want to be his/her friend solely based on how they were different from me.

But it is because I am fascinated with learning how other people perceive the world. However, as soon as I realized that is the reason I would want to be friends with them, it dawned on me that EVERYONE sees the world differently. He sees the ocean differently than I do. She tastes something different when she eats that salsa. Every person has a different perspective, with a different background. When I studied abroad and stayed in different countries with my friends who were natives of the culture, I loved it because I got to be immersed in the culture and learn so much about it. I would love to learn how Claude Monet saw the world and how he translated that onto his canvases. But I cannot do that.

Yet I have the amazing opportunity to learn from all the people around me, how they view the world and why they respond the way they do. If I want to understand they people around me and if I want to be able to see the world through their eyes (which would be FASCINATING), then I need to learn to really listen and ask better questions. Firstly, I need to learn to listen better. Over time, I have lost the skill of listening well (if I ever really possessed it).

Any suggestions on how to listen better? (Aside from: Shut up...)

Ribs

Well, I've had broken ribs for about 3 weeks now so you would think they would be getting better, but yesterday my mom had to rush me to an urgent care center. I sneezed and suddenly I could not breathe without terrible pain and the feeling that something--a rib or possibly scar tissue--was moving around that should not be moving.

The doctor had x-rays taken and confirmed that I had broken rib. He prescribed several different pain killers for me. Now, within a couple of days of moving, I am not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs. (not that I'm going to--even lifting a gallon of milk hurts!).

So now I'm just doing stuff in a daze...the pain killers make me groggy, but hopefully I'll be able to stop taking them soon.

I'm getting a little worried. I am moving into my apartment soon but I still only have one part time job that doesn't even start for another two weeks after I move in. I really do not want to dig into my savings, but I can't live on nothing... The people at my job say they will be able to keep me gainfully employed. It looks like I'll be testing that assertion a lot sooner than I wanted to. But God's the one in charge--I just have to remember that as I start this new phase of my life.

Update

I figured it was time to update anyone who reads this on what's going on in my life. I have now been walking around with broken ribs for over a week and a half now. My ribs were broken after one of my camp directors convinced me to come and work for one week at camp. I was working with the horses and got kicked pretty hard halfway through the week. I'm doing ok as long as I keep taking ibuprofen regularly.

I also have a part time job coming this fall. I'll be working in my camp's afterschool program. The leadership team is also convinced that they can fill up another twenty hours with other stuff around camp. But I am still looking for one or two more part time jobs just to be safe.

On a different note, I hate car-searching so much... It has been ridiculous... I just hope me and my mother are able to find and buy a good car in the next 2 weeks...

It has been fun to be at home with my mom and two of my brothers. I also took an impromptu trip to Washington DC with my sister-in-law because she had to drop off some paper work that had to be there by the next day and the only option that would mail it there on time was going to cost more than the penalty ($400). So she and I got to hang out and got to know each other better. We're both quieter and around four boys, it gets kind of loud so we don't say a lot. But it was a fun trip! :-) I'll be moving into the apartment in a couple days which should be another adventure (hopefully I will have a car by then...). Anyway, that's all for now!

Interviews

I had my first "interview" today. I walked down to my old elementary school in horribly uncomfortable high heels--that give me blisters every time I wear them--and met with one of the staff members--one who had come since I had left. But before that I had time to meet with almost all of the staff members who were there when I was. Then Mr. Larson showed me around all the new buildings that I hadn't seen and asked me what the school was like when I was there. I had a great time seeing everyone again and telling Mr. Larson what it used to be like. So, although I was pretty uncomfortable in my high heels and came back with a lovely dime-sized blister on my little toe, I really enjoyed it.

I'll have a "real" interview on Friday. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing to lose. I will gain from it no matter what happens. If I don't get the job, I'll still have the experience of the interview to learn from, and if I do get hired, well, then I've learned AND gotten a job out of it! Either way, I'm going to benefit from it. I just have to remember that...

Life

Suddenly I don't want to have graduated. Life was a lot easier in college. I didn't have to worry about where money was coming from and I didn't have to worry about insurance--of any kind. I didn't have to worry about where all the money to pay for clothes, food, rent, insurance, doctor's bills, etc. was going to come from. I never have wanted to grow up.

All of my life I wanted to stay the age that I was... I remember when I was younger I would read books and all the kids in them wanted to be older than they were and I never understood why. I still don't...

I guess it isn't "suddenly"...coming up to graduation, I half wanted to graduate and half didn't. I am glad to be done with tests and papers, but now I have to compete with tons of other applicants for every job I apply for. I have to make an effort to make people like me.

When I'm at home, I get so apathetic and get back into some rut that I get stuck in every time I'm at home. But at the same time, I won't accept help from any of my family. I'll only accept help from one or two people--and every time my mom tries to help in some way, I won't accept it. I don't know why. She's not overbearing or pushy or anything, but I, for some reason, won't take any help from her.

Maybe I'm just too prideful. I've always had a problem with pride--don't ask me how that fits with my low-self esteem.... But maybe I just want to prove to myself that I can do it all on my own without anyone's help. But I can't...I know I can't. So why do I try?

On a separate note, perhaps the reason I get stuck in a rut is because I go back to my old way of thinking. Jesus said, "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:25). I think I saw two people full of life who died young in freak accidents and drew the wrong conclusion. I decided that if I disengaged from life, then maybe I would be able to keep it for longer.

But later, I have come to the conclusion that diseengaging from life is not what Jesus wants for me. He also said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I've known that verse for a long time, but I hadn't internalized it. God gave us life for a reason! He didn't just give it to us so we could withdraw from it. We have a purpose here!

So I need to fulfill my purpose and I should enjoy this life that God has given me. I should enjoy all the things that God has blessed me with and I should use them to bless other people. I guess that's the outlook I should go into interviews with...not that I have any coming up (yet).

So, I'm graduating tomorrow...

That's pretty crazy and I don't feel at all ready for it. I don't have a job or a car...just a year-long lease on a townhouse with four other girls. Now I wonder why I didn't go through college thinking about what I was going to do when I graduated. I never took any internships and I never worked at a non-profit or anything that would prepare me for "real" life. I just went to class, did my work, hung out with friends, and worked as a camp counselor. But I was just doing what I loved, for the most part.

I guess this is where the "trusting God while you work" part comes in... Mainly I think it's the "trusting God" part where I falter. I can do work...and sometimes I can trust God. But a lot of times, I feel like I don't really trust God. Which is frustrating because he has proved his love and his faithfulness to me over and over. And yet I still hesitate when it comes to trusting that he will take care of me.

I guess it's just part of being human. I take comfort in the fact that God created me and so he knows my failings. As an artist I can appreciate that. When I look at my art, I can see all the problems with it, even if others can't. Sometimes it is all I can see. But thankfully, God made us just the way he wants us so he can see what there is to love. He can see us the way he meant us to be, not necessarily the way that sin has wrecked us. He can see us through the lens of Jesus.

I guess I just have to remember that he loves me--not like an earthly father, but like a perfect father--and that he will use me as a witness for his kingdom. I should be more concerned about finding a place where I can be a good witness, but then, if it comes down to it, that is everywhere. But God knows where I will be challenged and have to grow. He will put me where he wants me. I just have to find that place. And I have to trust in his love for me and for all of his creation. I am here to glorify him and to be a witness to those around me. Lord willing, he will give me the strength to do just that.

So, I guess graduation just ushers me into a new place to be a witness. Hopefully a better one than I have been in college...hopefully I will get continually better at being a witness for his kingdom. I have purpose, I just have to find a place to live it out now.

What's the difference?

For maybe the second or third time in my life, I was cut to the heart by how people are being persecuted. I wanted to weep over the words that I read. The only reason I didn't was because my roommate was in the room and I refuse to cry in front of people I don't know well and trust a whole lot. So I hid my face and refused to let myself cry--outwardly--while inwardly I was and am being torn apart.

How can God let these horrible things happen to his people? How can he stand by and see a man being forced to watch his wife raped and cut to pieces?? I don't understand it. And this man still wouldn't recant his belief in Christ--so they killed him too. How can God continue to let such evil reign? Won't he take some sort of stand against it?

Somehow my roommate brought up God last night and she mentioned at one point that she didn't believe there was such a thing as evil or the devil. Looking at what is happening in Darfur and in India, how can you doubt that there is evil in the world??

Reading about this has been a kind of a wake up call, but I don't want my wake up call to come at the expense of so many lives... And now I waver between going back to my lifestyle and becoming numb to what I've read and heard. It's hard because I can't just forget about it and abandon my brothers and sisters, even if they are so far away. But I can't grieve for them all the time. I need to find the balance where I will be spurred to action--what kind of action it will be, I don't know--but I won't be pulled down to despair by what is happening.

I know that there is good in this world. I have seen it and experienced God's love for me and yet at the same time there exists this horrible evil that persists. But God's word keeps spreading no matter how strong the evil seems to be.

I guess this another time that I question God's love. I feel like such a jerk and so arrogant questioning the Lord of the universe who made us, but I want to know. I'm angry at him for letting such evil live on in the world. I know that he loves me. I've seen it all around me and he has healed me of so much pain, but I don't understand it. I know firsthand how fallen fathers are, but how can this Father who claims to be our comforter and claims to love us so much just sit by and let his children suffer so? I don't want to think that he doesn't care.

I know that I can't understand how God works. He's too big for me to be able to comprehend. But I WANT to know why he's letting this happen and how he's let it happen for so long...

I keep running circles in my head...maybe at some point I'll make it out of this hampster wheel of thought.

I asked him to show me what my passion is...maybe this is him showing me. It's a pretty painful way of learning though...and how painful would it be to over there in among what's going on? Has he equipped me or is he going to equip me to go where people are being persecuted and offer hope and whatever resources I have? Is this where he wants me to follow his will? I certainly don't feel equipped at all. But how can I help right now over here in my little college world?

Yeah, I do a bunch of stuff regularly, but I don't really feel like I'm really doing anything or really making a difference. I guess I don't feel that way because what I do doesn't strain my finances or my resources in any way. I still think that what I do is important, but it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough for the Kingdom of God.

I guess I'll have to continue praying and asking for wisdom and insight to God's work in this world. I need to trust that no matter how powerful the evil in this world seems, God reigns over all of it and he will make everything right in the end.

Little Miracles

On Sunday we had a little sort of baby-shower/welcome party for the newest member of our neighborhood: Ayden who was 3 weeks old that day. It was fun to see the neighbors since I was home for the weekend. After a neighbor and my mom held Ayden, I got to hold him. I held him for the rest of the party. Just sitting in the rocking chair and holding him. He was so tiny and beautiful! He was asleep the whole time. His tiny fingers were amazing with their tiny fingernails. I loved holding him and just sitting there and rocking him. I think I could have stayed there all night...but they eventually had to go so I reluctantly gave him back to his dad.

I love babies and toddlers and kids, but I don't know how I would feel about raising my own. I don't think I'm anywhere near mature or wise enough to raise my own kids. If I bring kids into the world, I don't want to mess them up. I want to be at a place where I know I could provide for them and I could teach and love them well. I don't think I would do a very good job of that right now. I like not being responsible for anyone but me. I think that's one of the things I loved about London. I didn't have to watch out for or take responsibility for anyone but me. I think it'll be a long time before I'll feel anywhere near being responsible enough or wise enough to be able to raise relatively sane, well-rounded kids. But until then, I'll just enjoy being around kids and babies in the way of babysitting and maybe one day being an aunt.

Plans

Everyone seems to have a plan for my life. Except for me. Everyone seems to have decided that I would be a great teacher. I might be...but today while I was listening to someone tell me about how someone else said that I should be a teacher, something in my heart said "don't let other people tell you what you should be". It's happened before. I've done stuff because other people expected me to or because they thought I would be great at it. And sometimes it was great and sometimes it wasn't. But I need to stop relying on others to plan my future for me especially because they aren't really trying to plan my future. They're just casting out ideas that occur to them. They have no idea of telling me what I should do. It's just their ideas. But I've been so used to just following people's expectations that it's a struggle to not. I know that whatever I do, I won't disappoint the people who care about me most. I know what a blessing that is and I love it.

I feel like most of the other seniors around me have their plans for after college figured out. I'm still just floating along, kind of avoiding thinking about it. But I need to sit down and figure out what I want to do...what I want to do, not what other people think I would be good at. Do I want to go to grad school? If so, what for? Do I want to teach? Do I want to teach because I want to teach or is it because of what others think? Do I want to join the Peace Corps and go to Africa? Do I want to join the CIA? Do I want to go teach English somewhere in Asia? Do I want to go teach in inner city London? I just don't know... I need a couple of free hours (or days...) to sit and think and all that... But with this crazy semester, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with a quarter of an hour here and there.

On a completely different note, me, my mom, and one of my brothers went to the fair today. The first thing we went to see (like always) was the horses. That is always one of my requirements in going to the fair. We go watch whatever show is going on in the ring (today it was 6-8 year old kids and then under 5 kids) and then go out back and explore the stables for a while. We saw a lot of American Saddlebreds and a couple of Hackneys, but the treat was coming upon a one year old Arabian filly! She was really pretty and very restless. It was great to get to see the little kids riding around the arena and it was fun to get to see so many pure bred horses and just get to see horses in general.

I'm tired and I have to study for my two tests this week otherwise I would tell you about the fair. Maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow or after Tuesday when I'll be done with my tests (but I'll be getting started writing the 3 papers and studying for the test that are all the week after). Ugh... pray for me...that I'll make it and that I won't get sick...I don't have time to be sick this semester...

Random Thoughts

Random, but I really want Bebo Norman's new CD that came out about a week ago. I've been listening to the 30 second samples on iTunes constantly... For some reason his music really strikes a chord in me. I guess because in a lot of his songs, I can see myself at some point or another.

Anyway--I have had one quiz and one midterm this week. The quiz went fine, but I'm hoping that the midterm went as well... I guess I'll find out later. Even as a senior in college, I haven't learned how to study well. I guess it's not a problem since I'll be done soon. I wonder if I'll ever come back to school to get a masters or anything. At this point I really don't want to go back to school. 16 years is plenty. I might feel differently once I get a full-time job... I guess we'll see.

It's weird to think that the rest of my life is not planned out. I've been used to it being all planned out or open within certain limits. But now, as far as I can see, it's pretty wide open. I mean, I can't do anything I want, but there's nothing that I have to do. It's weird. I think I've been avoiding thinking about it. I'll need to start looking for jobs, making a resume, and all that soon I suppose. The thing is, I don't know what I want to do. I know some things that I don't want to do... I don't want to glue corrugated cardboard together or work in retail. I don't think I'm outgoing and friendly enough to. I mean, if I make an effort I can be friendly to random strangers, but after living in London, I'm even less likely to do it.

In London, everybody leaves everybody else alone. And they like it that way. And I did too. I still find it weird when random strangers smile at me. My head still says " what in the world??? why are they smiling at me???" I have to remind myself that this is the south and that it is normal here.

I can't wait until the election season is over. My roommate likes to make comments about the candidate that I support and it makes me angry. I don't talk badly about the candidate she supports. It's like Chinese water torture....she just makes little comments all the time and it wears away at my ability to bear it with good humor. And I don't know to be able to rebut what she says. It would help if I cared enough, but I don't really like politics and politics always seems to make people fight so I avoid it. I guess I should just ask her not to make the comments, but I would rather just keep it all inside and not make trouble.

Maybe one day I'll trust people enough to not be afraid to be who I really am and to say what I think. Maybe I'll trust that they'll still love me even if they don't agree with me or when I make them mad.

Weary

This semester has been interesting...definitely different from any other semester. I guess it makes sense that any semester would be different from another, but I can't figure out what it is that's different. People keep on asking me how my semester is going and I never know how to answer them... Good? I guess... Stressful? No...not really... Tiring? I suppose, but I think people get tired of hearing me say "tired" in response to "how are you?" all the time. But today I have just been overcome by a sense of weariness. Not really apathetic or tired, just weary. Maybe I'm getting sick... Who knows.

I feel rather disconnected. People are trying to connect with me, but I can't seem to reach out. I'm just stuck turning inward again. Sometimes I think that I want to go back to when I was silent and introverted and turned inward, but now that I seem to be tending that way, I don't want to. I want to have friends. We were made to be in community. It kills you to be lonely (Nota Bene: different from being alone). So I need to learn to be introverted but also connected. I need to connect with my friends.

Anyway, my semester is going pretty well, I guess. I'm taking three English classes (one grammar class and two British Literature classes) and one Religion class and one Linguistics class. They're all interesting in their own ways. They haven't been too much work, but I have two tests coming up next week. Hopefully they will go well. I'm just weary this evening.

Welcome

This is just going to be a little blog of what is going on in my life. Nothing extremely interesting, but you're welcome to follow along. :-)